WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Pentagon announced today that the Navy will be installing strip clubs and bars aboard all aircraft carriers. The unusual move comes at a time when budget cuts loom and the public has questioned the need for extravagant military spending.

Commander Ethan Granger, a Navy spokesman, explains:

"The time has come for the US Navy to face the facts and come up with innovative solutions to the problems we face. The first thing Sailors do when they hit shore is to patronize the local strip club and bar. By being proactive, the Navy can keep this behavior on board and avoid problems with drunken Sailors getting in fights on shore. We are also pleased to announce that the profits from these activities aboard our ships will go directly towards the Navy's budget."